Ultra old story found in a notebook when my niece asked if I had a notebook she could have & this was the only used sheet. Probably from 1992. The opening (& all I ever actually wrote, though I think I wrote it multiple times) of my Joker story that will eventually become part of XO. The idea of debauchery in here is pretty suburban high schooler, which makes perfect sense….
I feel like I am awakening for the first time. I want to forget who I’ve been all these years & become archetypal & surreal. There’s blood in my mouth, but it feels thick like honey. I pull it out with my fingers & spread it across my chest & neck & face. In the mirror I find myself more beautiful this way. My skin looks very taut & I am proud of my thinness. For a second I mistake myself for dead. I leave the bathroom into the other room of the apartment; the walls & ceiling have turned yellow from the constant cigarette smoke. Smoking another cigarette, the second since I got up, I burn holes in the flaking paint & pour myself a glass of tequila. I can feel the alcohol’s promise of forgetfulness while hovering over it, my eyes & mouth watering. My body shivers as I drink it, as if I finally took in enough poison to kill myself this time.
I put on shoes & a shirt & keep on the purple pants with silver pin stripes I slept in. I burn some of my hair with my cigarette while running my fingers through it. I throw the cigarette onto the unmade bed. I take my wallet from the table, take out the forty-seven dollars & throw the wallet on the fire in the bed. I put the crumpled bills in my pocket & grab the keys & leave. I lock the door behind me & walk down the two flights of stairs. After leaving the building I throw the keys in a trashcan & know I have finally destroyed myself.