So I wrote this back on May 16 in my notebook. Now it’s the middle of the anniversary of the week where I laid on her bed without sleeping as she slipped into a coma & died. So heavy stuff or whatever I guess. Still trying to come to terms with all that in certain ways, but I guess maybe it’s a little better now than what it was then.
May 16, 2012
It’s my grandmother’s birthday. She’s been dead for six months. I’m staying with some friends at a high rise ocean front hotel & I keep feeling the urge to jump off the balcony to my death. It’s not that I want to kill myself so much as I want to not exist anymore. I feel weak & useless. As long as my grandmother was alive & I was taking care of her, there was a certain degree of validity to my life. Now keeping myself alive just seems like a waste of resources. I hope God gives me purpose or strikes me down soon.