So one of the things this tour is really hitting me hard about is that I really don’t feel like I have a home anymore. It’s been two years now since my grandmother went into a coma & died in my arms. I really haven’t felt useful or important in general since then. It’s rough. All these other dudes I’m with are constantly on the phone with their loved ones back home & it’s hard not having a first call person when something good or bad happens in life. Meanwhile I’m watching this girl who’s been following the band around the country for two weeks go crazy (she was laid off & has some mental issues, allegedly my condition (Asperger’s); but I’m sure also a bit more (as there is with me)) & I’m wondering how many steps away from her crazy I am. If what I see in her is a reflection of myself, if more or less she’s what people see when they look at me. Because the situation is we all are kinda creeped out & annoyed at the situation & just want her to go away. & maybe that’s how people feel about me too. I really just want to lie in bed for a few days feeling sorry for myself & for better or worse touring does not allow that.
Last Night’s Dreams:
I have some photographs of cats up at an art gallery & the little note next to each one lists me as the content creator, but they are supposed to list me & each individual cat as co-creators of collaborative works.
I’m in the scene from Starblazers as Wildstar revealing that I have no one left on Earth that I care about when offered to call home & that I really don’t care one way or the other if I survive the mission or even if the entire human race is destroyed. I really don’t want to exist at all anymore.
I go to a small church that has 24 hour adoration. There’s two dudes there playing droney minimalist music on guitar & bass. The bass player looks like my friend Chris who has cancer & I start praying as hard as I can to let Chris’s cancer come into my body. Then I realize it isn’t Chris at all, but just a random stranger.